i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize