time to smoke my breakfast
im holly from the hills drunk
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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