I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
