seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
