Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I need mimosas to revive my soul
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
