I think I died a long time ago.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i out mim tonsoeep
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