I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
