She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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