My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize