Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
