You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
