You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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