would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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