Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's never too late to be topless.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
