some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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