You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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