clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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