im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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