I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
