theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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