no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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