from now on my penis is your penis
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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