I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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