i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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