Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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