I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
