You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
