Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Go christen that room with your naked body.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
