dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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