I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
