Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
