Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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