I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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