In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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