Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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