it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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