I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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