Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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