we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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