Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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