As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
