Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
