I can tuck mytits in my pants
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
