She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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