We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize