I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
