I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
