My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
