There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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