On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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