Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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