Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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