Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
