I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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