the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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