Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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