saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
