Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
