so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
