Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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