The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pants are for mortals
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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