Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
