Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
